


The Talk

by Rxvai



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Humanstuck, M/M, kankri is so extra, mention of human trafficking?, mentions of a bunch of sexual topics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-28
Updated: 2016-09-28
Packaged: 2018-08-18 07:10:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8153419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rxvai/pseuds/Rxvai
Summary: Karkat is now dating Dave Strider. Now that things seem to be getting pretty serious between the two, his older brother and legal guardian Kankri decides that it's time to give him... the talk.





	

"Karkat? I need to talk to you. Will you please open the door?" 

 

Karkat groaned and rolled his eyes. "Hang on." He told Dave, who he was already on a video call with at the time. Dave already knew by the look on Karkat's face that he probably had to deal with Kankri, and that meant he'd be a while. 

 

"It's cool. Just call me back later." Dave told him. Karkat nodded and hung up. Karkat then got up from his desk and opened the door for Kankri. 

 

"What do you want?" Karkat asked. His tone wasn't exactly polite at all, but it wasn't too sour. If it was too sour, Kankri would get in a pissy mood, and that was never fun for anyone. 

 

"May I come in?" His older brother asked. Karkat opened the door wider and gestured for him to come in. Kankri entered, fiddling with the sleeve of his sweater as Karkat closed the door behind him "May I sit down?" He asked Karkat. Karkat rolled his eyes and gestured to the bed. 

 

Karkat leaned against the door and waited for Kankri to say something. Kankri sat in silence for a minute, as if trying to figure out what to say. Impatient, Karkat filled the silence with his own irritated voice. "Are you gonna say something, or are we just going to sit here awkwardly like two strangers in a waiting room? Just waiting in unbearable, impatient silence for someone to call one of their names. Or, in this case, me waiting for you to actually say whatever it is you want to say." 

 

Kankri looked at Karkat and decided to completely ignore that entire metaphor that Karkat just used. He pats the space beside him. "Will you sit? If you don't feel comfortable, you don't have to, but I figured that–" 

 

"Yeah. I'll sit. And I know I don't _have_ to, I'm _choosing_ to. Blah blah blah, yada yada yada, spare me." Karkat interrupted while making his way over to the bed to sit beside the elder. Kankri frowned slightly at the attitude that Karkat was giving, but didn't comment on it. Karkat was doing well so far. Well, for who he was, at least.

 

"Were you talking to your, er, significant other just now?" Kankri asked. 

 

"My boyfriend. Yeah. What's it to you?" 

 

"Your boyfriend, pardon me. I wasn't entirely certain how you two defined your relationship yet, but that isn't the point. I'll try to stay on topic here. There's something that I wanted to discuss with you, because I believe that it's time that we had this talk." 

 

_Oh god._ What was Kankri referring to? Karkat put his hand on his face to hide the reddening of his cheeks whilst muttering an 'oh dear mother of fuck' beneath his breath, to which Kankri told him to watch his language before continuing on. 

 

"I've noticed that the two of you are becoming very.. close. Your relationship has seemed to evolve greatly. I don't mean to assume anything, this theory is based entirely upon observation. I've noticed the way that you look at him, and the way in which he looks at you. You two have become very... intimate, it seems, and I felt that–" 

 

Karkat, out of embarrassment, cut him off. "We really don't need to talk about this Kankri. Seriously. I already–" 

 

Kankri scowled at him, his voice was stern when he spoke. "I wasn't finished. Don't be rude, Karkat. If we are going to have a discussion, you _have_ to wait until I'm finished to insert your own input. Do you understand?" Karkat pouted, but shut up nonetheless. Kankri continued, "Now, as I was saying, because of these observations, I realized that you are growing up very quickly in fact. I am so proud of you, but I also felt that as your older brother, it is my duty to ensure that you have been taught about the– well, before I continue, I should warn you about what topics will come up in this lecture– I mean discussion, pardon me– that may be triggering. While I do know that you generally do not have very many triggers, i felt that to be safe, I should mention them just in case. The topics that will come up include but may not be limited to: sexual intercourse, domestic violence, nonconsensual intercourse, emotional, physical, and mental abuse. Do any of these topics trigger you, Karkat?" 

 

_No. But you do._

 

Karkat remained silent, a frown formed on his face. He's learned to just shut up and allow Kankri to go on his dumb rants now, ESPECIALLY when it was meant to be educational, because heaven forbid ANYONE interrupt Kankri while he is trying to teach. After a few seconds of silence, Kankri continued.

 

"Excellent. I will continue on then, but if at any point you feel triggered, we can take a brief moment so you may calm down and then afterwards pick up again. Just make sure to let me know. Now then, I wanted to first take a moment to ask you about your relationship with... I'm sorry, what is his name again?" 

 

"Dave." 

 

" _Dave_ , Right. Anyways, I should first ask how he treats you? He seems to treat you well, but again, I dare not assume anything about your relationship as you most certainly know it better than I do, _obviously_." 

 

Karkat huffed. "It's fucking dandy." 

 

"Again, I will remind you to watch your language, or at the very least put a trigger warning on it. Don't be inconsiderate." 

 

"You're not even triggered by swear words, Kankri." 

 

"I know, but it is _always_ good to practice being considerate around others. You never know what someone else's triggers are, unless you ask of course, but regardless you should always remain cautious with your choice of language." Karkat groaned. "I know it can be frustrating, especially for someone who grew up permitted to utilize such colorful speech. But, you absolutely must at least _attempt_ to change your problematic behaviors." 

 

Karkat was ready to throw himself out of his bedroom window, but by some miracle (Oh, fuck, he _really_ needs to stop talking to Gamzee so much), he refrained from doing so. "Can we stay on topic?" He never thought he would ask. 

 

"Of course. I apologize for getting off track again. Where were we? Ah, yes, your relationship with Dave. So it's going well then? That is good to hear. I don't suppose that, in school, you've been educated on the topic at least some forms of abuse in a relationship? Of any kind really." 

 

Karkat shook his head. His school did cover abuse very generally, but there was really no point in saying so since Kankri was probably going to give him an unwanted serving of unhealthy relationship education anyways. He wasn't going to waste his breath. And considering that Karkat usually never shuts up, that was saying something. 

 

"How awful. I've been trying to get better education on that topic in schools for so long now, and we clearly aren't making very much progress. It's horrible, really. There are so many young adults and even children who are so ill informed on the subject. Many of whom fall victim to such atrocities and tolerate it for years due to the ignorance of healthy and unhealthy relations. But, that is beside the point. As I was saying, there are three kinds to my knowledge. Emotional, physical, and mental abuse..." Kankri went on to describe the three types and the indicators that one may be experiencing to some degree. Karkat at some point ended up leaning over with his head rested on his arms which were folded over his lap. Kankri paused to ask if he was okay, to which Karkat only nodded and told him to continue. 

 

By the end of the rant about abuse alone, Karkat had fallen asleep. Kankri woke him by snapping in his ear, causing Karkat to jump. "I'm listening! I'm listening!" 

 

"No, you weren't. You were snoring. Which is odd, since I don't recall you ever snoring when we shared a room." 

 

"I was thinking." 

 

"Pardon my language, but that is utter bullshit, Karkat, and we both know it. This lecture is important and you need to be listening. It does concern you, and the information I provide will be useful to you for the rest of your life, so take it seriously." 

 

Karkat groaned and sat up. "Okay! Geez!" 

 

"How much did you hear before you fell asleep?" Kankri's voice was softer this time. 

 

"I don't know... some shi– _stuff_ about cases of human trafficking? How did we even get to that topic? By the way, you didn't mention that as a trigger. Don't you think that's kind of a big one?" 

 

"Well, if you had been paying attention then you would know, _obviously_. You're right, I'm sorry I didn't mention that specifically, but I _did say_ that the topics that would come up would not be limited only to my list. If you had a trigger I didn't know about, you should have told me then." 

 

"Holy f– I mean, _harpy fudge_ , I was only saying it as a fact. Jegus." 

 

"Jegus is only short of the name 'Jesus' by one letter, which can still be considered taking the lord's name in vain. Although I am not religious myself, I do realize that to some it may be offensive. I would suggest choosing a less directly correlated word next time as a substitute, but I do praise you for your effort." 

 

Karkat was now imagining various different methods of suicide via the objects he had in his room. Living has never been so painful.

 

Kankri then continued his rant, repeating his earlier lecture (that he may or may not be reciting by heart). Karkat ended up dosing off yet again while sitting up but this time more towards the end of the rant. Kankri snapped him awake yet again.

 

"I swear I heard all of it up until that last little bit." Karkat defended himself. 

 

Kankri shook his head and sighed. "Well I certainly hope so because I do not wish to repeat myself a third time. Anyhow, let us continue on to my next subject. What do you know about sexual intercourse?" 

 

Karkat's face turned bright red. "Okay! Alright, no! That's enough. This is where I draw the line. I don't need to have this talk, especially not now. Don't you think this is something you should've talked to me about when I was still like.. twelve or thirteen? Like, seriously! You're a little late on this, aren't you?" 

 

"Well, given our circumstances back then, I doubt I would have had the chance, really. You hardly knew me, then. Of course I didn't want to be the one to talk to you about it, though. That would have made things much more awkward between us and I was in no position to give you that talk. However, you're now living under my roof and I am considered your legal guardian now, and therefore I believe that permits me to ensure that you do know about such things. Though, I'd much rather you not be doing them at all, but that is highly unrealistic and really no more than just my opinion. You're old enough to make your own decisions. You're nearly sixteen years old, so I wouldn't be surprised if.. well.. I won't go into that since personally I'd rather not even think about it. But getting back to my main point, I didn't want you to go uninformed, or worse, incorrectly informed about these things. Especially since the majority of your more serious relationships from here on out will likely occur from now on. Unless, of course, you decide to abstain from future romantic or even queer platonic relationships, but that is entirely up to you." 

 

Karkat stood up and ran his fingers through his hair in a frustrated fashion. "Kankri, I don't need this talk! I really don't! I know about safe sex and all of that bullshit. Lube, condoms, safety with toys– well, really, that's just common fucking sense. It's basically just 'hey, see this buttplug? Don't cover it in honey and then shove it up your shithole because that's probably going to give you some kind of fucked up diseases or some shit! Oh, and also, if you're taking it up the ass, use real fucking lube and not saliva or some shit because it will hurt like an absolute motherfucker!' I don't need this talk, especially since– well no. I'm not going into that either. I've just.. I've got it? Okay. I'll be safe. Thanks for the concern I guess but I'm fine. I really don't need this lecture. Can I please go back to talking to my boyfriend now?" 

 

Kankri shook his head, but he stood up. "Well, really, you shouldn't use anything that isn't real lubrication for the appropriate purpose, but I understand your point. If you know at least the basics then I suppose I have no reason to take this conversation any further." He heads over to the door with Karkat still glaring at him while he does so. However, before opening the door he turns around to look at Karkat one more time. "By the way, you do know that I am asexual, right? I'm actually very sex repulsed and I would prefer it if you didn't do that sort of thing in my house, thank you. Frankly, it triggers me. I don't know whether or not you have done anything, although I certainly hope not, and would advise against taking part in such things at such a young age. I'm not encouraging that you take part in sexual intercourse at all, really, I only wanted to make sure you were informed. As a matter of fact, if I hear about it, you're grounded. I can do that because I'm your guardian and you're a minor, but that's beside the point. Keep it out of my house. Thank you." And with that, Kankri opened the door and left Karkat's room. 

 

Karkat was fucking speechless. That entire spiel was basically just, in summary, 'I know you're in a relationship, and I don't care as long as he treats you well. Have safe sex if you decide to, but if I know about it then you're grounded'. 

 

_.........Is this guy fucking real?_

**Author's Note:**

> I was in class and I thought 'oh my god it would be hilarious if Kankri gave Karkat the sex talk... or at least tried...' and thus this was born. Also, the past of Kankri and Karkat here is kind of complicated. I may write something about it at some point.


End file.
